This past September has been on my mind quite a bit lately. September is one of those months that does not bring back wonderful, happy memories of Gracie. September was the month we learned Gracie’s tumors grew back. In fact, we found out this news on the first day back to school. My poor work friends who received frantic texts and messages to pray for my daughter because something was wrong as they were welcoming their new students into their classroom that day. Four years later and it’s still tough remembering that day, but what happened last month for childhood cancer awareness kept me busy, thankful, and finally accepting the phrase “everything happens for a purpose”.

I can’t stop thinking about how all of you, our community, the country, the world has begun to take interest in childhood cancer awareness month and did something to raise awareness. This past September I finally felt like we and so many others who have been fighting for awareness and action were finally being recognized and more importantly influencing others to participate. I saw so many Facebook profiles lit up gold, action/super heroes were profile pictures in honor of childhood cancer, baseball stadiums around the country were going gold, players were raising money, sports teams were wearing gold, news programs were sharing stories and raising awareness, music and tv stars were also active in raising awareness… there was so much going on world wide. Locally, we were also staying busy and welcoming all the wonderful events so many of you were planning for our foundation. From dress down days to local sports teams wearing gold to paint parties to so many local businesses donating a portion of their profits for the month, and so much more- you all were busy!! And we can’t thank you enough!

While all this was going on, Geoff and I were asked by Gracie’s medical team to attend a memorial weekend at Double H Ranch in Lake Luzerne. They have invited us every year since Gracie died but because of our busy schedules we couldn’t go. Which I was kind of relieved about. It’s kind of stressful thinking about spending a weekend with a bunch of strangers who also lost a child. What would we talk about that wouldn’t make the whole weekend sad and depressing?

Well, this year the invite came again and Geoff said let’s go because our busy schedule was not so busy that weekend. Reluctantly, I said yes. If you know my husband Geoff, you know that he loves to talk and has no problem carrying on a conversation with anyone or anything! So I thought great- he can do all the talking and I can listen and leave if I have to. So we set out on a Friday night, the 3 of us on a trip I will never forget.
We arrived at Double H and was welcomed by our camp counselor and brought us to the dining room to eat. The camp counselor followed us and stayed with us the whole time. I kept wondering why she was staying with us, but I just went along with it. So there we are at dinner, me barely speaking because I kept wondering what this weekend was going to bring, Luke all excited and up and down to the all you can drink juice and milk machine and Geoff quiet for once because food was involved…and we all know how he loves his food! So, I sat awkwardly through dinner with the counselor and when we finished she brought us to our sleeping quarters in the Bobcat cabin. Luke fell in love with the place, Geoff and I felt like we were back in our college dorm room! Once we unpacked we headed to the bonfire, with our camp counselor in tow (at this point I thought, whatever!). We walked to a beautiful spacious area at the bottom of a ski slope (yes, this place has its own ski mountain with a chairlift!) and was greeted by more counselors at a smore’s table. Of course, Luke wanted smore’s and by then I had lost Geoff. He was already off in deep conversation with other parents, telling the stories of their deceased children. So there I was sitting on a blanket by myself, very uncomfortable and hoping no one would ask me my story. If they did I knew the flood gates were going to open and it was not going to be pretty. Luckily, one of Gracie’s nurses showed up at that point. Thank God Rebecca was there! I immediately started to feel at ease. While I was talking to Rebecca, Luke had started to wander off and wanted to check out this place. So as he starts exploring the camp counselor gets up and so do I to follow him. That’s when Rebecca informed me that the counselors are there for the kids and will stay with him when he wants to do stuff and we want to talk. Finally it made sense to me! That’s why she was following us around everywhere, she was there for Luke! Great, I finally figured that out, but in the meantime more families were arriving and I felt like the elephant in the room conversations were coming. Luke was gone so that meant more time to talk about my dead daughter…. I just didn’t want to. I was sad and mad and depressed that I was there and was a part of this group. No parent ever wants to be a part of this group.

A very nice family moved in closer to us as the night went on. Luke was still off with the counselor and this family had just started to make conversation with us. The casual conversation about everyday things all of a sudden turned into a conversation about their deceased son. They spoke about him with such love and comfort in their memories. I was starting to feel comfortable and loved listening to them talk about their son. He was 2 years old when he died from Leukemia 11 years ago. They have been to this camp every year since he passed and at that moment I could see how therapeutic and special this weekend at Double H is for those who have lost a child, a brother or a sister. These people talked about their child openly and often because it was ok, it was acceptable and we were all in the same boat. This was a weekend to remember Gracie, to talk about her and all the memories we had. I knew that I was going to be ok and that this wasn’t about or for me. This weekend was for my family and for Gracie. The family we met continued to talk about their son for a while and Geoff had starting telling them about Gracie. The whole family was listening and at one point in the conversation their 8 year old daughter turned to me and in the sweetest, most innocent voice asked me how old Gracie was when she died. She said it so innocently, but yet it sounded so weird to hear those words come from an 8 year olds mouth… I just wish no child would ever have to ask that question. I barely got out the words “almost 2” when the floodgates opened. I cried, but it was ok. I didn’t feel like the elephant in the room anymore and started feeling comfortable and aware of what this weekend was truly about.

From that point on the weekend was wonderful. Even though Gracie wasn’t there I felt like she was part of the memories we made as a family. The food was plentiful, delicious and never ending! The activities were unbelievable- archery, ropes course high in the tree tops, out door cooking, swimming, science experiments, amazing and not so ordinary crafts, connect 4 tournaments, and so much more! Double H really goes out of its way to make it a super fun place for kids and adults! There were so many smiles from all the siblings this weekend that I can’t even imagine what this place is like all summer long! Double H Ranch is occupied all summer long with kids who have life threatening illnesses. The motto at Double H is “magic happens here” and boy can I see that happening. The place is amazing and magical. Gracie would have gone there if she was still here and I bet she would have loved it.

On Saturday night there was a memorial service for all the kids who have passed away over the years. It was beautiful and the service touched so many hearts in the unique way they remember all our children that are gone too soon. There were lots and lots of tears at this service. Tears because I was missing Gracie and then tears because of all the kids I watched in this video that have passed away. I was so mad and sad as those pictures flashed and the names were read. I was mad and sad because it was too many. Too many young lives taken too early. When my tears finally stopped I reminded myself that this is why we have our foundation and that everything has a purpose. This is why so many of you went gold in September. This is why childhood cancer awareness month is so important. All of these faces gone too soon made me ready to continue our fight until a cure is found. September’s fundraising efforts and awareness was simply Amazing. But I’m asking all of you to please continue to raise awareness and take action in the fight against cancer because kids don’t get cancer just in the month of September. It happens everyday of every month. September may have passed, but the fight never ends.

If you’d like to learn more about Double H Ranch please visit www.doublehranch.org