My Birthday Girl is Dead.

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My Birthday Girl is Dead

April. The nightmares have begun. Not your typical scary monsters or gruesome scene nightmares, but nightmares that are filled with uncertainty, a loss, a feeling of emptiness and full of worry for my child. The other night I woke up in a panic, a tight feeling in my chest and tears in my eyes. In my dream I couldn’t find Gracie (even though deep down inside I knew she was gone). I thought I sent her to a babysitter I had never meant and I sent this babysitter an email asking where my daughter was because I wanted to come pick her up because I hadn’t seen her in a long time( I know- really strange!). When I got to work the babysitter had called and said she didn’t know what I was talking about and that she hadn’t seen my child. I got off the phone and looked at my co worker and couldn’t speak because I was so scared, but mouthed the words through a tear filled, fear stricken face- “I don’t know where my daughter is….” And then I woke up and was so sad and scared because I truly don’t have any way to know where she is…. And that scares me. I believe she is with God in heaven, but I just wish there was a way to absolutely confirm this- a call, an email, a “hey, were up here in another world and were doing fine”, but I have nothing except my faith. And when certain important days come up like her birthday or the day she died it’s so hard, I miss her so much and my faith waivers. I just need a sign or something to tell me it’s ok. I so wish Gracie would come to me in my dreams, but instead I get woken up with nightmares of wondering where my child is.

Why do these nightmares start in April? Because it’s her birthday month. I should love April for the simple fact that my daughter was born this month. I should be planning a 6th birthday party for her- deciding on a theme, where to have a party, who to invite, what kind of cake and so much more. But instead I face April with anger that Gracie will never have a 6th birthday here with us. Anger that I only got to spend one birthday with her. Anger that she will only be known as a 21 month old forever. Anger that cancer took her life. And anger that right now all I hear and read about is our presidential candidates spending millions on their campaign. Just this morning the news reported that 1 candidate who is trailing is expected to spend 44 million this month to try to beat his competitor. Really? My daughter doesn’t get to have her 6th birthday because the money needed for research isn’t there. But you can spend millions on politics? Ugh, what a sickening world we live in.

My birthday girl is dead and that’s an extremely hard thing to celebrate. I won’t share or show my anger or sadness with you when you see me. It comes at night , in my dreams or when I’m alone. It’s hard to not be angry, sad or depressed. But I have another child and one on the way who don’t deserve to see me angry or sad over this. But my family needs to celebrate in some way and we need to do something for Gracie. It would be easy to say let’s forget the whole day and go on with our lives. But that would be pretending that nothing ever happened and what good does that do when we pretend nothing happened? As angry as I am, I want to do something. I want to do it for her. I need to do it for her. A birthday party for a little girl who will never open presents or blow out her birthday candles we will never have. But we will acknowledge April 14th as a day we will forever be grateful for. I’m not sure I could ever see it as a celebration… how could I when the birthday girl is dead? But we will do something amazing in her name and honor on the day we were blessed to welcome her into our lives. There will be tears of sorrow, but there will be smiles filled with love knowing she was in our lives and continues to inspire us to help others every day <3.

As I am writing this on a snowy day in April and thinking about how extremely rough her birthday is and how angry and sad I am, and as I begin to question my faith… I get a sign. I happen to wipe my tears and look out the window and on a snowy branch I see a bright red cardinal just hanging out. So I look up the meaning of this and it said, “A cardinal is a representation of a loved one who is passed. When you see one, it means they are visiting you. They usually show up when you need them the most or miss them. They also make an appearance during times of celebration as well as despair to let you know they will always be with you. Look for them and they will appear.”
My anger and sadness are slowly melting away…. Thank you Gracie. Happy Birthday my little girl <3

12 comments on “My Birthday Girl is Dead.

  1. We had birthday cake for my little sister after she passed, who passed away from a neuroblastoma. I am so very sorry for your loss of a child. It is unimaginable. I pray that Gracie is running through fields of flowers and sharing birthday cake with Jesus. God bless you all.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss and happy birthday to your lil Angel in haven my yougenst daugther has a heart decfaced and it sarces me

  3. I feel blessed whenever I see a cardinal. I know my mom is visiting me. I sit very still so I won’t frighten it away. The tears come and my heart is full. God bless you and give you peace.

  4. Our prayers and thoughts are with you today and everyday. You were truly blessed to have had Gracie. Grace was my mom’s name.

  5. Keeping you close to me heart and in my prayers for renewed strength. You ‘ll carry her in your heart forever but because of Gracie you have been able to touch so many others. Blessed by Gracie

  6. Hello, I don’t know you directly but I have followed your story through mutual friends. Your story touches my heart. Please read “the shack”. It helped me understand why horrible things happen and was very comforting to me. I hope you find it helpful too. God bless!

  7. Thank you for sharing. I have these thoughts and dreams too. August is my month. The birthday boy Makhi will be 11 on Aug 7th. I long for a sign, for a glimpse or for even 5 minutes with him in which I trade my life for. And then the impending doom of the day he left me, August 12. I don’t know what to do or what to feel sometimes. But I can’t ever forget and I will never have too. We are a part of that club that no one, no parent should have to be a part of. Parents with Angel Children or some other name, but it’s that club. The club where we know the pain, the struggle of emptiness and we continue to move forward.
    Always United,
    Becki (Gilman) Brandt.
    MHS ’92 🙂

  8. Happy Birthday to Sweet Gracie….your precious little girl…..she was taken to soon and we must believe that God has a plan..and you will see her again someday! You will never forget her and I pray for the strength for you and her family to get through this month….she is a beautiful girl!!

  9. Happy birthday Gracie my husband had his daughter pass away at 15 mo old I kinda know how you feel his daughter passed a different way tho your in my thoughts and prayers God bless you n your family it’s very had to get over something like this you probably won’t heal cause that’s yours and she’s no longer here with you anymore he hasn’t gotten over his daughter and won’t ever be I am thinking of you and your family

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