The picture above is my baby’s heart, Gracie’s heart. It was given to me from one of the best pediatric surgeons in the nation at Sloan Kettering in NYC 4 short years ago, and it has been hanging on my fridge ever since. You’re probably wondering why he gave me a picture of Gracie’s heart. I know I questioned it when he gave it to me. But I now know why he gave it to me and why this picture has more meaning than anything else I have hanging in my house.

Four years ago this January, Geoff, myself, Gracie and one of my best friends headed out early one morning for a very important, life changing doctor appointment at Sloan Kettering in NYC. We were going to see if this doctor could possibly save Gracie’s life.

Gracie had been on a very high dose chemotherapy after her tumors started growing again and the clock was ticking on if and when the tumors in her body would start taking over once more. Her only option for survival was to shrink the tumors so that we could remove them from her liver and resection it. This was the plan from the beginning- receive chemo, shrink the tumors, surgery, and more chemo or radiation. Sounds simple, but it was not for our Gracie and the type of cancer she had. There had already been setbacks before our appointment, but our Gracie could not hold on much longer. We had to go see this surgeon and hear his answer ourselves on if he could help Gracie and our family.

We arrived at Sloan Kettering early in the morning and navigated our way through NYC to find the hospital and our answer. As we entered the pediatric floor I was overwhelmed. It was very large and full of patients. I thought to myself, this is one of the “big” hospitals that so many kids fighting cancer come to for answers. I wonder how many get the answers they’re looking for. We all sat in the waiting room and watched the kids play, parents wait with worry on their faces, and nurses and doctors come and go through the door that led to the patient rooms. I sat and prayed that we would go through that door and receive a miracle. After some time it was our turn to go through that door and we were brought to a patient room. We all squeezed in and waited for the doctor. The doctor walked in and said hello and I immediately started to cry. Everyone looked at me, wondering why I was crying when the doctor hadn’t even said 2 words yet. I didn’t say it at the time, but I knew before he said a word what the answer was. I knew he was going to say those 6 little words that no parent ever wants to hear and I just couldn’t hold back my tears. The doctor we met with was a surgeon so bedside manner was exactly what you would predict. He did his job, was to the point, reviewed the scans and slides, tried to examine Gracie (who was very fragile at this point) and finished with those 6 little words “there is nothing I can do”. He was firm with his answer and we all knew there was nothing we could say or do to change his mind. The surgery was too risky and would most likely not cure or rid her body of the cancer. He then looked at me and gave me a picture of a scan telling me it was my daughter’s heart and he thought I should have it. That was it. My daughter was going to die.

But why did he give me a picture of her heart and why is it still hanging on my fridge 4 years later? I realized later that picture was his way of showing he cared. He looked at Gracie’s scans and reports before we even got there and he also knew the answer he had to give us. He knew my daughter was going to die and he wanted to leave us with a picture of a very important piece of her, her heart. The central or innermost vital part of her body that was so full of love and so very strong and healthy. This surgeon gave me much more than a hug from him or any kind words could give me. He gave me a picture that will remind me forever that my daughter had a big, beautiful heart that lives on in myself and my family and friends. I know that we will keep her heart beating in ours for years to come.

Honestly, January hurts. It’s been 4 years since they told us there was nothing more they could do and 4 years ago on January 17th she died. I miss her more than anyone could ever imagine. But when the pain gets to be too much I walk to my fridge and look at this picture of her heart and it reminds me she was here, she loved us with all her heart and she will forever live in my heart.

I love you Gracie. Happy 4th angel birthday.